怪异 奇诡 恐怖
鬼作秀 圣诞特别集
匿名变形人
恐怖节快乐 各位朋友们 本期精彩故事讲述罗伯特·韦斯顿 在十二月的一个寒夜进入一个混乱的世界 他的人生即将陷入充满震撼 鲜血横流的混乱中
由于无处可去 罗伯特来到圣阿根托的一个互助小组...
有人吗
周六晚8点 药物滥用成瘾互助会 在楼下举行
砰砰砰
你好 Hi.
抱歉 先生 这是私密互助会 Sorry, sir, this is a private meeting.
这是药物滥用成瘾互助会吧 Uh, this is SA, right?
是的 Yeah.
我能进来吗 Can I come in?
只有受到邀请的人才能加入 It's invitation only.
那就...兰迪斯 Let... um, Landis.
什么 What?
兰迪斯 Landis.
对吧 这是暗号吧 Right? Isn't that the... the password?
-不是 -那是上周的暗号 - No. - That was last week's password.
他们跟我说的暗号就是这个 所以... Well, that... that's the password that was given to me, so...
-谁告诉你的 -这事说来复杂 - Who told you? - It's kind of complicated.
能不能直接让我进去 Could... could I just come inside, please?
-抱歉 不能让你进来 -等等 等等 - Sorry, can't let ya in. - Wait, wait, wait.
我带了曲奇饼和甜甜圈 I've got cookies and doughnuts.
谢谢 Thanks.
-快滚吧 -不要 - Now beat it. - No!
听着 听着 听我说啊 Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen!
我就是内珀维尔开膛手 I'm the Naperville Ripper.
那就去找警察自首啊 Then go to the cops.
我不能去 我需要帮助 I can't. I need help.
你们或许是唯一知晓情况的人了 And you may be the only ones who know what's going on.
明白吗 现在正在发生一些很古怪的事 Okay? There's some seriously weird shit is happening
发生在我身上 to me right now.
求你了 我没别的地方可去 Please, I have nowhere else to go.
他之前拨打热线的时候 Listen, when he called the hotline,
姿拉说他是个混球 Zella said he was kind of a douche.
姿拉 是指接电话的那个女人吗 Zella, the woman on the phone?
就是认为自己是松鼠的那个 The one who thinks she's a squirrel?
我是说... I mean, uh...
好了 斯科特 Hey, come on, Scott,
高抬贵手 让那个可怜的家伙进来吧 lighten up and let the poor guy in.
谢谢 Thank you.
太感谢你了 Thank you very much.
谢谢你 斯科特 Thank you, Scott.
欢迎来到匿名变形人互助会 Welcome to Shapeshifters Anonymous.
我是会长艾琳娜·里德 I'm Irena Reed, chapter president.
好吧 你好 我... Oh, yeah, hi, I...
这个地下室真漂亮 It's a beautiful basement.
谢谢 Thank you.
你叫什么名字 So, uh, what's your name?
我以为这里是匿名的呢 Oh, I thought this was anonymous.
创始人们觉得匿名变形人互助会该有更多的厚重感 The founders thought that Shapeshifters Anonymous had more gravitas.
厚重感 Gravitas?
就是 深度 You know, depth.
抱歉 我是个老师 Sorry, I'm a schoolteacher,
这个词刚好是我们这周要学习的词汇 and it's one of our vocab words this week.
这个互助会创建的时候 他们认为 When this group was created, they thought that
「匿名变形人」这名字要比 Shapeshifters Anonymous sounded better
其他可能的选择都要好 than any of the other potential options.
我们差点就叫「独一无二变形人」了 We were this close to be called Shapeshifters R Us.
好吧 Okay.
我叫罗伯特·韦斯顿 My name is Robert Weston,
我近期过得很艰难 and I have been having a very hard time...
我真的不知道该向谁求助了 所以... Lately and I don't know where else to turn, so...
我们觉得最好从头说起 Well, we find it best to start at the beginning.
大约三个月前 About three months ago...
这听起来一定会很奇怪 This is gonna sound kind of weird,
我以前从没遇到过这种问题 我练太极拳 瑜伽 遵循严格的饮食标准...
但我上厕所时遇到了怪事 but I started finding strange things in my, uh, toilet.
我以前从没遇到过健康问题 I've never had any health problems before, actually,
...这让我很担心
我觉得我的身体状况很好 但这事让我一下子懵了 I think I'm in pretty good shape, but this threw me.
我真的搞不清那些是什么东西 I couldn't quite figure out what it was.
医生 我觉得这并不是绦虫 我发现有不同颜色的布料 有时候是红色的 有时候是蓝色的 以及白色的小石头 就跟骨头一样
有点像是白色的小骨头 I mean, it was sort of like little white stones
有些又像是布料 and bits of fabric.
我觉得我的肠胃没有问题 但拉出来的东西让我很担心
那你过来一趟吧 带点粪便样本过来
医生让我带点样本过去 The doctor asked me to bring in a sample of my, um,
就是粪便样本 my... my stool.
韦斯顿先生 Mr. Weston?
肠胃问题
好吧 我必须先问问显而易见的问题 Okay, I have to ask the obvious first,
你吃过小骨头或是布料吗 have you been eating little stones or strips of fabric?
据我所知没有 Not that I know of.
你的饮食最近有变化吗 Uh, has your diet changed recently,
吃了什么新的或是外国的食物吗 eating anything new or exotic?
这上面说是三个月前开始的 Says it started three months ago.
-间歇性的吗 -一个月大概两三次吧 - Intermittent? - Two or three times a month.
但除此之外没有任何问题 But then everything's fine.
你发现你的粪便中有离奇的东西 And you're finding unusual things in your stool.
每次我上厕所时都会发现 Every... every time I go to the bathroom, yeah.
那就来检查看看吧 Mm, well, let's take a look.
你 你有室友吗 You... you have a roommate?
有没有可能是有人搞恶作剧整你 Anybody that likes to play practical jokes?
我 我独居 I, uh... I live alone.
你喝酒吗 You drink?
吸毒吗 Use drugs?
深呼吸 Deep breath.
我偶尔会喝点啤酒 I have the occasional beer.
有没有喝到断片的时候 You ever drink too much, black out?
有几次的确喝到晕晕乎乎的 There have been a few times where things have gotten fuzzy,
大概就像是梦游那样吧 kind of like... sleepwalking, I guess.
坚持下 我好像发现什么东西了 Hang on. I think I found something.
-医生 -坚持下 - Doc. - Alright, hang on.
老天啊 Jesus.
好像有点进展了 And now we are getting somewhere.
我来看看 Let's see here.
这好像是外套纽扣 Looks like we have a coat button.
一小片拉链 A piece of a zipper.
以及63美分的零钱 And 20, 40, 63 cents in change.
我没吃这些东西 I didn't eat those things.
不是吃进去的 那就是从下面塞进去的 Well, had to end up inside you one way or another.
你算走运的了 Well, just count yourself lucky.
我曾经遇到个病人 在梦游的时候 I once had a patient who, while sleepwalking,
登入在线赌博网站 输了7.8万美元 logged into an internet casino, lose $78,000.
他是来找你医治他的梦游问题的吗 And he came to see you about his sleepwalking?
不 他老婆发现后 他来治被打断的鼻梁 Oh no, he came to set his broken nose after his wife found out.
听着 我并不... Look, I... I don't...
我觉得这不是什么大毛病 I don't think it's anything serious, alright.
我会给你开点温和的助眠药 I... I'll prescribe a mild sleep aid
帮助你解决深夜进食的问题 to help you with your late-night snacking.
你最好把你家彻底整理下 You might just wanna go through your place and, you know,
把一切看上去"好吃"的东西 都处理掉 get rid of anything that looks... tasty.
我明白 我有个同事... Now, I know, I have an associate...
让我猜猜 他们推荐你去看心理医生 Let me guess. They recommended a shrink.
是啊 你怎么知道 Yeah, how'd you know?
因为他们是白痴 Because they're fucking idiots,
他们什么都不懂 and they don't know anything.
那后来怎么又扯到杀人了 So, how did the murders come into play?
开膛手最近可真是忙碌啊 The Ripper has been a very busy boy these days.
-你还记得些什么 -我什么都不记得 - What do you remember? - I don't remember anything.
我就...我有时会晕过去 I just... I... I have these blackouts,
等我醒来时 and then I wake up
会发现身边的一切 很恶心 and things I find are... gross.
我真的很惊讶你没去找警察 I'm actually really surprised that you didn't go to the cops.
你似乎是个非常坦白直率的人啊 You seem like a really straight-up guy.
我的确是 I am.
我不是个杀人犯 我... I'm not a murderer, I...
或许该直接开始互助会了 Maybe we should just start the meeting.
各位 这是罗伯特·韦斯顿 Um, everyone, this is Robert Weston.
抱歉 有美食的时候 他们就不太爱跟人社交 Sorry, they're not very social when there's food - in front of them. -
这是真的吗 Is this for real?
你相信你是个兽人吗 Well, do you believe that you're a therianthrope?
就是在月圆之夜会变成野兽的人 A person who changes into an animal when the moon is full?
我也不知道 I mean, I don't know.
几天前 我还完全不信这些 A couple days ago, I didn't believe in any of this.
现在我却来到一个专门面向狼人的互助小组 So now I'm at a support group for werewolves,
-这有点... -你是变成那个吗 - and it's a little... - Is that what you turn into?
变成狼 A wolf?
除了狼还有什么 What else is there?
我是豹人 I'm a were-cheetah.
豹人 A were-cheetah?
这是你穿豹纹衬衫的原因吗 Is that why you wore the blouse?
不不 我只是... Oh no, no, I just...
我 我真的会变成猎豹 I... I actually turn into a cheetah.
好吧 Okay.
说来真的很讽刺 因为 Which is really ironic, because, you know,
我是一名老师 I'm a schoolteacher.
我们会开除作弊者[音似"猎豹"] You know. And... we expel cheetahs.
听懂没 Get it?
好吧 我还是走吧 Okay, I think I'm gonna go.
不 你不应该离开 Hey, no, you shouldn't leave.
为什么不走 这太荒唐了 Why not? This is ludicrous.
你没听到我跟你说的吗 I mean, have you not heard what I have been saying to you?
我觉得我一直在杀人 无辜的人 I think I am killing people. Like, innocent people.
我明白 Yes, I get it.
但如果你的身份真是你想的那样 But if you are what you think you are...
那你就属于我们这个团体 then you belong here with us.
请坐 Now, please.
请继续 Continue, please.
当我刚开始弄清楚是怎么回事时 When I first started figuring out what was going on,
我做了些调查 I started doing some research,
我发现了那个隐藏的链接 打了热线 and I found the hidden URL, and I called the hotline,
跟姿拉聊了聊 然后我才找到... and talked to Zella, and that's how I found...
你们 you guys.
我杀的那些人... Those... those people that I killed...
他们都是坏人 They were all bad people.
有一个是匪徒 I mean, one was a mobster.
有一个性侵犯 There was a sex offender.
一个小偷 还有一个是辩护律师 A thief, another was a defense attorney
专门帮侵犯儿童的人脱罪 that defended child molesters.
其实仔细想想 So if you think about it,
你实际上让这个世界美好了一点点 you actually made the world a slightly better place.
如果有机会 I mean, given a choice,
兽人通常会选择邪恶的猎物 而非善良的 therianthropes usually choose the wicked over the good.
我们体内的野兽 只是... The creatures inside of us, we... we just...
觉得邪恶更可口 We find evil tastier.
那可真是让人... Well, that... that is...
如释重负 a big relief.
天啊 多亏你告诉我这点 Wow. God, that's good to know.
所以 So, um...
这些都是谁 who is everybody?
那位是斯科特·霍华德 前海军陆战队员 Oh, uh, that's Scott Howard, ex-Marine.
他是龟人 He's a were-tortoise.
-龟人 -没错 - A were-tortoise? - Mm-hmm.
你会变成一只乌龟 Like you turn into a turtle?
是的 Yeah.
会长出鳞 把龟壳当家 With the scales and the shell that is your home?
就是那个 That's the one.
你会缩小吗 还是实际大小 Do you shrink down, or are you full size?
实际大小 Full size.
你会吃人吗 Do you eat people?
不会 No.
不是所有兽人都是肉食性的 Not all therianthropes are carnivores,
否则 死的人又要多很多 otherwise, there'd be a lot more dead bodies lying around.
那你变身时 你会做什么 So then like when you change, what do you do?
我吃莴苣 I eat lettuce.
是邪恶莴苣吗 Is it evil lettuce?
我就不搭理你这句讽刺了 I'm gonna put your sarcasm down
毕竟你正处于精神崩溃的边缘 as you being on the edge of a nervous breakdown,
所以那句我就无视了 so I'll ignore that one.
抱歉 我不是在讽刺你 我... I'm sorry, I was not being sarcastic, I...
没关系 Hey, it's okay.
那位是菲丽丝·艾伦比 Um, that's Phyllis Allenbee.
她是个毛兽迷 She's a furry.
你在逗我吧 You're kidding.
没 她喜欢穿上小河马的衣服 No, she likes to put on hippo outfit
翩翩起舞 and just dance around.
不好意思 我真的不懂 I'm sorry, I... I don't really get it.
我从来不理解 I've never really understood
打扮成动物 然后模仿它们是怎么回事 the whole like dressing up as an animal and doing it thing,
但她从来不缺席 所以... but she never misses a meeting, so...
你们为什么要让她留下 Why do you let her stay?
我们大概只是同情她吧 We just feel sorry for her, I guess.
你好 新来的 Hey! New guy!
我是安迪·麦克德莫特 猪人 Andy McDermott, were-boar.
你会变成一只猪吗 You turn into a pig?
事实上 满月时分 Actually, when the full moon rises,
我会变得以自我为中心 I change into someone vastly self-interested,
不停唠叨我生活中的那些琐事 and I talk incessantly about the worthless minutia going on in my life.
"无聊人" "A bore."
懂了没 "无聊" 跟"猪"同音 Get it? A bore. Were-bore.
实际上 我是开玩笑的 Actually, I'm kidding.
我确实会变成猪 Yeah, I turn into a pig.
你是说那种大的猪吗 安迪 You mean, a bigger pig, right, Andy?
天 你太性感了 艾琳娜 God, you are so fucking hot, Irena.
我们什么时候能在一起 When are we gonna get together?
一起生几个"小豹猪" Have ourselves a litter of little "Kiggens," Huh?
赶紧安排吧 Let's make this happen.
知道吗 我说不好 Mm, you know, I really don't know,
也许永远都别想吧 安迪 maybe on the first of never, Andy,
而且我们生的也不会是"小豹猪" 而是"大悲剧" and they wouldn't be "Kiggens," They would be "Pitties."
犀利 怼死那头猪 姑娘 Snap. Shoot that pig down, girl.
不是吧 Really?
那是谁 Who's that guy?
那个吗 That?
那是莱恩 That's Ryan.
就叫莱恩吗 Just Ryan?
他是这么跟我们说的 他平时也不说话 That's all he's ever told us. I mean, doesn't talk.
从没开过口 Never says a word.
但他每次互助会都参加 But he comes to every meeting, right?
但看看他 他就坐在那 But look at him, he just sits there.
以为自己是终结者 Thinks he's the Terminator.
他会变成什么 What does he turn into?
没人知道 不过一定会变身的 No one really knows but, um, it's gotta be something,
不然也不会来这 对吧 or he wouldn't be here, right?
我脸上沾上巧克力了 Oh man, I got chocolate on my face.
话说 幸好我穿的裤子是棕色的 对吧 Hey, good thing I got brown pants on, right?
我在门口听说 So, uh, I heard at the door...
你就是内珀维尔开膛手 是吧 You're the Naperville Ripper. Huh?
你会变身成什么动物 What kind of therianthrope you turn into?
难道是变老鼠吗 What, are you like a were-rat?
我一直觉得自己是狼人 I, um, just always assumed I was a werewolf.
有什么好笑的 What's so funny?
每个人一开始都觉得自己是狼人 Everyone assumes they're a werewolf at first,
因为那是最受欢迎的兽人 because it's the most popular therianthrope.
就是啊 大量的媒体资源在宣传他们 Right, I mean, look, they get all the good press. Right?
书里到处是他们 电影里到处是他们 They get all the books, they get all the movies.
从来不会有什么电影叫 Never gonna catch a flick called
《美国猪人在伦敦》吧 "An American Were-boar in London."
-或者《猪哼哼》 -就是啊 - Or "The Oinking." - Right.
因为我们不记得自己变身后做过些什么 Because we can't remember what we do when we've changed,
所以一开始都以为自己是狼人 we all at first just assume werewolf.
但如果你不知道变身后做过些什么 But if you can't figure out what you do when you change,
那要怎么弄清楚你变身成什么了呢 how do you figure out what you've changed into?
我架好手机拍了下来 Well, me, I... I set up my phone and I filmed it.
-你想看吗 我存着呢 -拜托别答应他 - You wanna see it? I have it. - Oh, please, don't say yes.
上次他给我们看视频 The last time he showed us a video
结果是他跟一个女孩上床 was of some girl and him doing the nasty.
场面真的很下流 And it was real nasty.
无心之过 好吧 Okay, honest mistake, alright?
兄弟 那女的是个大学拉拉队队员 Bro, she was a college cheerleader
主修按摩疗法 majoring in massage therapy.
-我腿都往外弯了一周 -那不是... - I was bowlegged for a week. - That's not how...
罗圈腿 这词不是那个意思 Bowlegged, that's not what the term means.
那女的是个老太太 还用助步器 She was an elderly woman, and she had a walker.
好了 够了吧 Okay, you know what?
你能不能别多管闲事 你个毛兽癖 Why don't you mind your own business, you fur-vert, alright?
你都算不上真正的变形人 You are not even a real therianthrope.
我心底里是 I am in my heart.
菲丽丝 当满月升起时 You know, Phyllis, when the full moon rises,
你不会变成河马 you don't turn into a hippo.
你只会变成一个穿着小河马服装的傻逼 You turn into an idiot who puts on a hippo outfit,
蹦来蹦去 像个精神错乱的儿童节目主持人 and you skip around like some demented children's show host.
真有你的 继续说 Yeah, keep talking
老娘让你变成一堆死人肉 猪小子 and I'm gonna turn you into the other other white meat, ham boy.
好啊 随你这个饥饿的河马高兴 Okay, alright, whatever hungry, hungry hippo.
-好啊 熏猪肉 -好了 各位 - Yeah, okay, bacon bit. - Okay. Okay, everybody,
别吵了 我们都是成年人 拿出点成年人的样子 please, stop, we're all adults here, so let's act like it.
还有别的方法确定我是什么吗 So, is there any other way I can find out what I am?
说起来 还真有 Yes, actually, there is.
测试道具 Testing equipment.
把手伸出来 Hold out your hand.
有什么感觉吗 Do you feel anything?
没有 No.
这是猫薄荷 It's catnip.
可惜了 It's a shame.
你要是猫人 会非常可爱的 You would have made a really cute kitty.
天啊 给我吧 Okay, Jesus, give me that, alright.
给我 给我 给我 Give... give it, give me it. Give me it. Give me it.
如果我们任由她来 她能玩上一整天 老天啊 If we let her, she'll play with this all day. God.
好了 来吧 Alright, uh, here we go.
试试这个 Try this.
就... Just...
天呐 Oh my god.
我的天 那是什么 Jesus, what the hell was that?
你没事吧 Are you okay?
-我的天啊 -怎么了 - I'll be damned. - What?
那是狼毒草 That was wolfsbane.
你是狼人 You're a lycanthrope.
好吧 所以我就是个狼人 Okay, so I'm a werewolf.
天呐 我们这个小组还从来没有过狼人 Oh my God, we have never had a werewolf in this group before.
太激动人心了 你是怎么变成狼人的 This is so exciting. How did you become a werewolf?
-我不知道 -你父母有是狼人的吗 - I don't know. - Is your mother or father a werewolf?
我是最近才变身的 斯科特 It's a recent development, Scott.
我就是从我母亲谢莉那里继承的基因 I inherited a recessive gene from my mother, Shellen.
我从出生开始就是兽人 I've been a therianthrope since birth.
吉卜赛人呢 What about a gypsy?
你最近有被吉卜赛人诅咒吗 Were you cursed by a gypsy recently?
不 当然...等等 No, of course... wait.
圣诞快... Merry Chris...
也祝你快乐 伙计 Yeah, you too, pal.
-你好 -你很吵 - Oh, hello. - You are loud man.
太吵 Loud man.
抱歉 借过 I'm sorry, ooh, excuse me.
好吧 请借过 Okay, excuse me, I said.
抱歉 I'm sorry.
-你好吵 -天呐 - You are loud. - Jesus.
玛莉瓦
-你小声点 -好 我会小声点的 - You keep it down in there. - Okay, I will keep it down.
你知道有种东西叫耳塞吗 You know, there is a thing called earplugs...
-太吵 -任何药店均可购买 - Loud man! - Which you can purchase at any pharmacy,
你天天进药店买药 肯定很熟悉 which I'm sure you know all about.
-我能听见 -谢谢 谢谢 - I hear it all! - Thank you. Thank you.
知道了 Got it.
好了 知道了 知道了 Okay, I get it! I know!
我诅咒你 I curse you!
算上马丁·科莱夫的尸体 With the discovery of Martin Colive
死在开膛手手下的已经有四人 brings the Ripper's body count to four.
过去三个月来 In the last three months,
死者有瓦尔德玛·达明斯基 the remains of Waldemar Daminski,
66岁 本地商人 66, a local businessman
一直与波兰有组织犯罪团伙有所往来 with known ties to Polish organized crime was found,
第二位是托尼·里弗斯 22岁 断头而亡 along with those of Tony Rivers, 22, who was decapitated
此前他曾抢劫酒水店 将店主打到失去意识 after robbing a liquor store and beating the owner unconscious.
警方最近发现了第三位受害者 Police recently identified victim number three,
金杰·菲茨杰拉德 最近刚刚 Ginger Fitzgerald, who recently lost custody
因为把女儿锁进衣柜一周 of her daughter after locking her in a closet
不给吃喝而失去了抚养权 for a week without food or water.
这里是JBN第四频道新闻 我是安·普尔 For JBN Channel 4 News, I'm Ann Pool.
谢谢你 安 Thanks, Anne.
接下来是其他新闻 圣诞节即将到来 In other news, Christmas is right around the corner,
圣诞老人大军已经现世 到处可见 and Santa's Army Redemption is being spotted all over town.
你好 韦斯顿先生 Hi, Mr. Weston.
我代表家庭医疗中心的塔尔博医生来电 This is Family Medical Center calling on behalf of Dr. Talbot,
我们收到了你的检查结果 we received your test results,
我们需要你回来做更多检查 and we need you to come back for further testing.
请您回电 Can you please give us a call back
预约下一次检查 so we can schedule your next appointment.
我诅咒你 I curse you.
我觉得我是因为刷牙太大声被诅咒了 I think I was cursed from my brushing my teeth too loud.
看来你很幸运 因为 Well, it... it looks like you're in luck, because, um...
这是最容易治疗的一种 it's the easiest type to cure.
谁想治疗啊 Oh, who cares about a cure?
我喜欢当龟人 I like being a were-tortoise.
没错 斯科特 那是因为你变身的时候 Yeah, Scott, that's because when you change,
只是吃沙拉和在浴缸里游泳而已 all you do is eat salad and swim around in your bathtub, okay?
我却得去拱垃圾 吃铝罐 I root through garbage and eat aluminum cans.
虽然我很支持垃圾回收 Alright, I'm all for recycling,
但你们谁拉屎拉出过 but have any of you ever tried to shit out
六罐百威啤酒大高瓶罐子 a six-pack of Budweiser tall boys?
听着 韦斯顿和艾琳娜一样是肉食动物 Listen, Weston is a carnivore like Irena.
他们是吃人的 They eat people.
他们的良心肯定难安 It's gotta weigh heavy on his conscience.
你 你愧疚过吗 Do you... do you ever feel guilty about it?
因为吃人吗 About eating people?
说实话 没有 Honestly, no, I really don't.
这是我们的天性 It's in our nature.
再说了 And, plus,
我还能吃掉那些惹火了我的坏老师 I get to eat any dipshit faculty member that pisses me off.
那如果我想变回正常人 So let's say I wanted to go back to normal,
我该怎么做 how would I go about doing that?
去找诅咒了你的吉卜赛人 Just go back to the gypsy that cursed you,
求她撤回诅咒 and beg her to take the curse off, yeah.
-没错 -是的 - Yeah, that's right. - Yeah.
那可能有点困难 That might be a little hard.
操啊 Oh fuck.
我把她吃了 I ate her.
玛莉瓦
-我把她的狗也吃了 -天呐 什么 - And I ate her dog. - Oh my God. What?
我还在她家的篱笆上撒了很多尿 And I peed all over her hedges.
你为什么要做这种事 Why would you do that?
我觉得我是在标记领地 I think I was marking my territory.
-我也说不清 -你简直是疯魔了 - I don't know. - You have zero sense.
我也干过这种事 I've done that.
我也干过 I've done that.
那就倒霉了 但是 你会习惯的 Tough break, man, but, uh, you'll get used to it, you know?
不过与此同时 But in the meantime,
你可能需要给自己弄条好狗链 you might wanna get yourself a nice, sturdy leash, though.
好了 我觉得我们的互助会该开始了 You know what? I think it's time that we start this meeting.
开始 所以我们还没开始吗 Start the meeting? So the meeting hasn't started yet?
来 各位 拉起手 Come on, everybody, join hands.
我们来背诵兽人匿名信条 And let's recite the Shapeshifters Anonymous credo.
跟我念 Repeat after me.
我 说出自己的名字 I, state your name.
我 罗伯特·韦斯顿 I, Robert Weston.
愿意遵守道德信条 Agree to abide by the rules of ethics.
这些信条由匿名变形人组织定下 As set forth by Shapeshifters Anonymous.
我愿意尽我全力使用我的超能力 I agree to do my best to use my abilities.
造福人类与兽人一族 For the good of man and therianthrope kind.
我愿意尽我所能帮助所有 I agree to do my best to help any therianthrope
向我寻求帮助的兽人 who comes to me in need.
我愿意尽我所能帮助所有 I agree to do my best to help any therianthrope
向我寻求帮助的兽人 who comes to me in need.
我愿意尽我所能不吃任何好人 I agree to do my best not to devour any nice people.
我保证远离克里斯·克林格尔 I promise to avoid Kris Kringle,
即邪恶的圣诞老人和他的恶魔帮手们 the dreaded Santa Claus and his many evil helpers.
我 我好像 没懂 这是什么意思 I, um... I think... I didn't under... what does that mean?
圣诞老人是兽人猎人 Santa Claus is a Therianthrope Hunter.
圣诞老人 那个数百万人爱戴的神秘老人 Santa Claus, the mythical, jolly character loved by millions?
他会猎杀变形人 He kills shapeshifters.
你开玩笑的吧 You're kidding.
没人知道兽人的起源 No one's sure how our kind got started.
有人说是黑魔法 Some say black magic.
有人说是人兽杂交 Some say interspecies breeding,
虽然我从来不信这种胡扯 though I don't buy into that malarkey.
有人说兽人的起源能追溯到创世时期 Some say therianthropes date back to the very beginning,
在伊甸园 人与野兽和谐共处之时 to the Garden of Eden, when man and werebeast lived in harmony.
《圣经》的故事不完整 The Bible doesn't tell the whole story.
这些年来 某些宗教领袖 Certain religious leaders over the years
按自己的需求编辑了这些故事 have edited it as they see fit.
有些整本书都被销毁了 Entire books were taken out.
但是 《圣经》中没有提过狼人 There... there's no werewolves in the Bible.
《鲍勃之书》
因为被删减掉了 They were edited out.
注意了 小子 Pay attention, son.
《鲍勃之书》
你会学到新东西的 You'll learn something.
主赐福于他手下一位叫鲍勃的门徒 See, the Lord blessed one of his disciples, Bob,
让他有了变形的能力 with the gift of lycanthrophy,
他的任务就是吞噬邪恶 to do his work by devouring evil.
但鲍勃因为他的功绩变得骄傲 But Bob became prideful of his accomplishments.
触怒了上帝 Oh, that angered God.
所以 为了教训鲍勃 So, to put Bob in his place,
上帝赐予了鲍勃的敌人克里斯托弗 God granted one of Bob's enemies, Kristofer,
一件刀枪不入的红色战衣 a red suit of impenetrable armor
命令他毁灭所有兽人 and ordered him to smite all therianthropes.
上帝还赐予了驯养的麋鹿 God also blessed domesticated beasts
让它们可以飞过天空 with the power to fly through the sky
替克里斯托弗拉着战车 and pull Kristofer's warship of destruction
去世界各地散播毁灭 throughout the world.
我猜猜 克里斯 克林格尔之子 Let me guess. Kris, son of Kringle.
鲍勃和克里斯托弗大战一场 Bob and Kristofer fought.
鲍勃获得了胜利 And Bob proved victorious.
但克里斯托弗 上帝派来的复仇者 But Kristofer, God's chosen avenger,
觉得遭到了背叛 felt betrayed,
于是他便向另一边的人寻求帮助 so he turned to the other side for assistance.
-什么另一边 -路西法 - The other side? - Lucifer!
别西卜 魔鬼本尊 Beelzebub, the Devil himself.
路西法给了克里斯托弗一个 Lucifer gave Kristofer a fiercesome weapon shaped
地狱之火锻造的喷火鹰爪作为武器 like the talons of an eagle forged in the fires of hell.
他称之为撒旦之爪 He called the weapon Satan's Claws.
克里斯托弗召集了一群手下 And Kristofer recruited an army of helpers
试图消灭鲍勃和他的同类 to rid the world of Bob and his kind.
他们找到我们了 他们来了 Oh, they found us. They're here.
-谁 -回归战斗岗位 - Who? - Battle stations.
战斗岗位 什么 Battle stations? What?
我... I...
老天啊 Jesus.
肯定有上百人 Oh, there's gotta be hundreds of them.
我操啊 Fuck me.
那些就是他的红色小帮手吗 Those are his little red helpers?
你们的意思是克里斯·克林格尔 So you're telling me Kris Kringle
以及他的魔法战衣和撒旦之爪 and his magical red suit and Satan's Claw,
随着时间的流逝而演变为了圣诞老人[音同"爪"] which I guess over time has turned into Santa Claus,
现在要带着一群商场圣诞老人 is coming here to kill therianthropes
来杀兽人了 with a bunch of shopping mall Santas?
圣诞老人进城了 Santa Claus has come to town.
保持队形 Stay in formation!
烧起来了 It burns!
快点 快点 Come on, come on!
谁能把警报关了 Could someone please kill that alarm?
等等 我们要和这些人浴血奋战吗 Wait, these are the people we're fighting for our lives against?
一直都是这样 It's the way it's always been.
那玩具是怎么回事 What about the toy stuff?
克林格尔几个世纪以来杀死了数万名兽人 Kringle's killed tens of thousands of therianthropes over the centuries,
留下了很多孤儿 leaving many children orphans.
他杀死他们的父母后会有愧疚感 He started to feel some remorse after slaughtering their parents,
就会留下玩具给孩子们 he began to leave toys behind.
这是克林格尔送给我的"礼物" Kringle gave this to me...
-当时我才7岁 -真恶心 - When I was seven years old... - Gross.
他杀害我的父母后还刺伤了我 Right after murdering my parents.
-恶心 -他还给我留下了一个小火车 - Yikes. - He also gave me a train set.
韦斯顿 没时间聊这些了 Weston, we don't have time for this.
我们得赶紧做好准备 We need to get ready!
听着听着 我能接受变形什么的 Look, look, look! Look, look, I can accept the shapeshifting, okay?
狼毒草 非常...非常可怕 And the wolfsbane, that was very... that was fucking creepy,
但你还指望我相信 but you want me to believe that
穿着圣诞老人服装 挂着铃铛的 every single volunteer with a Santa suit
每一个志愿者都想杀了我们吗 and a bell is out to murder us?
我到处都能看到这些人 I mean, I see these people everywhere.
我...我是说 每个街角都有他们 I... I mean, they're on every street corner.
每个商业中心都有他们 They're in the shopping centers.
我今天早上就在我的公寓边上看到了一个 I saw one by my apartment just this morning.
你今天看到了一个 在哪里 You saw one today? Where?
-内珀维尔 -什么 - Naperville. - What?
他对你说了什么 What'd he say to you?
我...斯科特 我不知道 I... you know, Scott, I don't know.
他有点疯疯癫癫的 He was a little bit out of his mind.
-什么 -他说了什么... - What? - He said something about...
圣诞救赎军
嚯 嚯 嚯 Ho, ho, ho.
圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas.
内珀维尔游荡着一个杀手 There's a killer on the loose in Naperville.
他只有在月圆之夜才会出现 Only comes out when the moon is full.
淘气的孩子会受到惩罚 Naughty boys, they get what they deserve.
他们的头颅将从不洁的身躯上滚落 Their heads severed from the unholy bodies.
除了老死以外 只有斩首能杀死我们 The only way we die is old age or beheading.
混蛋 Son of a bitch.
他们肯定是跟着你过来的 They must have followed you.
我们得赶快报警才行 Look, we need to call the cops.
然后怎么跟他们说 And tell them what?
你不是说找警察是浪费时间吗 I thought you said the police were a waste of time.
大家说的话都自相矛盾 Everybody has conflicting information.
快来 Come on.
-你用过9毫米的枪吗 -没有 - You ever fired a 9mm? - No.
关掉边上的保险栓 Turn off the safety on the side.
然后拉一下上面 Then pull back the top part.
滑槽在这里 从这里上膛 That's the slide, loads the bullet into the chamber.
现在你只需要瞄准 扣动扳机 Now all you have to do is aim, pull the trigger.
那些红衣都是凯芙拉合成纤维的 所以要打脸 Red suits are Kevlar, so aim for the face.
好啊 混... Yipee-ki-yay, mother...
抱歉 抱歉...不会有下次 Sorry. Sorry that... that won't happen.
开枪一定要谨慎 各位 Choose your shots carefully, people.
我们的子弹不多 We don't have a lot of ammo.
莱恩 你会开枪吗 Ryan, can you fire a weapon?
该死 伙计 我们需要你 Damn it, man, we need you.
-我们应该跑吗 -那是唯一的门 - Shouldn't we go? - That's the only door.
什么 What?
如果我们能活下来 If we make it out of this alive,
你愿意和我约会吗 would you wanna go out with me?
我很乐意 I'd like that.
你指哪部分 活下来还是和我约会 Which part? Making it out alive or going out with me?
都是 Both.
看到白胡子再开枪 Don't fire until you see the whites of the beards.
淘气的孩子 Naughty boy.
-淘气的孩子 -圣诞老人 - Naughty boy! - Hey, Santa!
给你准备了一些牛奶和饼干 Got some milk and cookies for ya.
你这种枪法是哪里学来的 Where did you learn to shoot like that?
我教的是高中 I teach high school.
蹲下 Duck!
不错 Nice.
就 还行吧 Yeah, well, you know?
抱歉 我来捡 我来捡 Oop. Sorry. I got it. I got it.
他们要撤退了 不要开火 They're retreating. Hold your fire.
不要开火 Hold your fire.
抱歉 我听不到 这枪声音很响 Sorry, I couldn't hear ya. It's a loud gun.
-老天啊 -我的天... - Jesus. - Oh my Go...
安迪 你在流血 Andy, you're bleeding.
大家都还好吧 Everyone okay?
我们真是干掉了不少圣诞老人 Well, uh, we sure kicked some Santa ass.
现在再试试爬烟囱啊 混蛋 Let's see you try climbing down a chimney now, shithead.
贱人 Bitch!
还没有结束 It isn't over.
你刚刚说话了吗 Did you just say something?
圣诞老人来了 Here comes Santa Claus.
-天啊 -好吧 - My God. - Alright.
谁还有子弹 Who still has ammo?
-我没了 -我也没了 - I'm out. - Me, too.
我还有两颗子弹 I have, uh, two bullets.
好吧 好吧 Okay, okay.
我们...我们能想到办法凑合的 We'll... we'll have to make do.
大家都拿上武器 Everyone, grab a weapon.
克里斯·克林格尔比他的手下强大多了 Chris Kringle's a lot more powerful than his helpers,
但也许我们同时出击 but maybe if we all strike at once,
能有一丝机会 we'll have a chance.
韦斯顿连弹夹都装不好 Weston can't even keep his clip in his gun, alright?
莱恩坐在那儿动都不能动 Ryan is sitting on his ass like a pud.
给...给我 Alright, give... give me this. Alright?
-你们在哪里 -斯科特 - Where are you? - Scott,
你真的觉得我们能挡住那玩意儿吗 you really think we can fend off that thing?
它还有圣诞之爪呢 And its Satan's Claws?
它会把我们撕成碎片 It's gonna rip us to pieces.
-我们别无选择 -好了 听着 - We don't have a choice. - Alright, well, listen,
我可不想被撕碎 you know what? I don't wanna get sliced up, alright?
-我...我这么帅 -冷静点 孩子 - I'm... I'm too pretty. - Calm down, son.
你这样于事无补 You're not helping the situation.
好吧 你们去战斗吧 行吗 Fine, you know what? You guys go ahead and fight, alright?
我要剥下这些红衣服 I'm gonna take off this red suit
-假装是个死人 -有办法的 - and pretend to be dead. - There's a way.
你终于打算起来帮忙了吗 You actually gonna get your ass up and help?
圣诞老人来了 Santa's come to town.
我一直留着这些 I've been saving these.
告诉我那是氰化物 Tell me that's cyanide.
求你告诉我那是氰化物 我一定要来一管 Please tell me that's cyanide, 'cause I am so drinking it.
这是一种变身药剂 It's a metamorphosis potion.
让你们在变身成兽人的同时 Allow you to change into your therianthrope form
保持人类的心智 and retain your human intellect.
你从哪里弄来的 Where'd you get these?
我保存了很久 I've had these for a long time.
你怎么知道这东西真的有效 How do you know they work?
我就是知道 I know.
试试也无妨 I guess it can't hurt to try.
我会找到你们的 I will find you.
你们躲不过圣诞老人的进攻 You can't hide from the Claus!
我 我 我不是兽人 I'm... I'm just... I'm not a therianthrope,
我只是个毛兽迷 I'm just a furry.
你是我们的一员 You're one of us.
你呢 How 'bout you?
不了 No.
我准备了礼物 I've got presents.
好了 豁出去一试吧 Okay, well, here goes nothing.
死期到了 Time to die.
我的思维意识还在 I can still think.
我还能说话呢 I can even talk.
豁出去一试吧 Here goes nothing.
你美极了 You look amazing.
怎么了 What?
里面还剩点糖霜呢 There's still some frosting inside.
大概到我了 I guess it's my turn.
妈的 我的河马服装都没带 Well, shit, I don't even have my damn hippo suit here.
至少给我一把枪吧 Well, at least give me the damn gun.
到你了 Your turn.
你不会有事的 You'll be fine.
喝下吧 Drink it.
各位 快一点好吗 Hey, guys, hurry up, alright?
圣诞老人要来了 Here comes Santa Claus.
你好啊 性感帅哥 Hello, sexy.
克林格尔要来了 我们没时间搞这一套了 Kringle is coming! We don't have time for this.
好了 开战吧 Alright, let's do this.
你和圣诞夫人都得死 You and Mrs. Santa Claus's too.
斯科特 敌袭 Ooh, Scott, incoming!
斯科特 Scott!
什么 What?
天呐 Oh my God.
瞧瞧那些爪子 Look at those claws.
我们 我们没办法离开这里了 各位 We're... we're not getting out of here, guys.
糟了 Oh shit.
圣诞老人 Sa-sa-Santa.
求您 救救我 Please, help me.
天呐 Oh, man.
天呐 为我祈祷吧 Oh God, pray for me.
斯科特 你干什么 你是疯了吗 Scott, what are you doing? Are you crazy?
你的邪恶帝国今天就会终结 克林格尔 Your reign of evil ends today, Kringle.
天呐 Holy shit!
罗伯特·韦斯顿 狼人 Robert Weston, werewolf.
你在我的清单上 You're on my list.
艾琳娜·里德 豹人 Irena Reed, were-cheetah.
-站到我身后 -你也在我的清单上 - Stay behind me. - You're on my list, too.
想坐在圣诞老人的大腿上吗 小姑娘 Wanna sit on Santa's lap, little girl?
你是什么鬼东西 What the hell are you?
你是培根 You're bacon.
安迪·麦克德莫特 Andy McDermott.
我是猪人啊 I'm a were-boar.
没错 你也在我的清单上 Yes, you're also on my list.
这个淘气的姑娘是谁 Who is this naughty girl?
菲丽丝·拉旺达·莫莉沙·塔丽娜·艾伦比 Phyllis Lawanda Morisha Talena Allenbee.
我也在你那个傻逼清单上吗 Am I on your stupid ass list, too?
好像不在 I do not believe so.
不在吗 No?
你确定吗 肥佬 Are you sure about that, fat man?
我很乐意再查看一次 I'll be happy to check it twice.
你的意思是我不是他们当中的一员吗 Are you saying I'm not one of them?
我就是他们当中的一员 'Cause I am one of them.
我在心底 是他们当中的一员 I am one of them... in my heart.
-一坨巨大的... -够了 - A giant sack of... - Enough!
我累了 克里斯托弗 I'm tired, Kristofer.
我逃亡太久太远了 I've been running for far too long.
你是谁 小人类 Who are you, little human?
圣诞老人来了 Here comes Santa Claus.
你这嗓音 That voice.
我认出这嗓音了 I know that voice.
是啊 你当然认出来了 Yeah. Yeah, you do.
我稍微整了一下面容 I had a little work done to my face.
我是指 我的人类面容 You know, my human face.
不过你应该能认出这幅面容 Think you're gonna recognize this one, though.
这他妈一定是个欢乐无比的圣诞节 It's gonna be a merry fucking Christmas.
我当年就该杀了你的 混蛋 狗娘养的 I should have killed you, bastard. You son of a bitch.
我要把你切成碎片 你个混蛋多毛兽 I'm gonna slice you into ribbons, you furry fuck!
狗娘养的东西 Motherfucker.
你个混蛋多毛兽 我会杀了你 Oh, you furry bastard, I'm gonna kill you.
我要把你活着剥皮 I'm gonna skin you alive.
多毛混蛋 Furry fuck!
我要送你上... I'm gonna send you...
我现在上你的清单了吗 狗娘养的东西 Am I on your list now, motherfucker?
你杀了克里斯·克林格尔 You killed Kris Kringle.
轻易就杀死了 Damn easy, too.
你五千年前怎么不这么做 Why didn't you do that 5,000 years ago?
我以前不知道能这么轻易就杀了他 I didn't know that was possible.
这也太...天呐 That was... wow.
发生什么事了 Well... what happened?
菲丽丝杀掉了克林格尔 Phyllis killed Kringle.
好样的 姑娘 You go, girl.
好吧 Okay.
你们今天都英勇战斗了 You all fought bravely today.
就连这头猪也是 Even the pig.
为奖励你们的英勇 For your bravery,
你们将可以完全控制你们的变身能力 you all have full control of your therianthrope powers.
你们可以按照自己的意愿进行变身 Y'all be able to transform at will,
对你们体内的野兽也有完全的控制力 and maintain control of your inner creatures.
等等 等一下 Hold on, wait a minute.
那我呢 How 'bout me?
是我杀了这混蛋啊 I am the one who killed the jolly ol' bastard.
是哦 Right.
如果你愿意 我可以把你变成狼人 I could turn you into a werewolf if you'd like.
这些家伙已经给过我这种机会了 Uh, these guys already offered me that.
不 我不想变成龟 猎豹 No, I don't wanna be no turtle or no cheetah
或是傻逼猪 or no dumbass pig.
无意冒犯 安迪 No offense, Andy.
我不介意 Uh, none taken.
我内心的野兽 是河马 My inner animal is a hippopotamus.
我就想变成河马 That's what I wanna be.
很抱歉 菲丽丝 这超出我的能力范围了 I'm sorry, Phyllis, those are the extent of my powers.
但是或许 But maybe.
-或许而已 -或许什么 - Just maybe. - Maybe what?
我不知道这能不能行得通 I don't even know if this will work.
希望渺茫 真的 It's a long shot. It really is.
快说吧 怪兽人 Spill the beans, Lon Chaney.
试试坐在圣诞老人的大腿上吧 Try sitting on Santa's lap.
你认真的吗 You serious?
怎么了 他的魔法力量超群 What? He has a lot of magic.
或许还剩下一些 值得一试好吗 Maybe there's some left. It's worth a shot, right?
给我... Get... shu...
你还想成为河马吗 You wanna be a hippopotamus?
好吧 现在要怎样 Um, okay, ooh, now what?
许个圣诞愿望 菲丽丝 Now make a Christmas wish, Phyllis.
必须是最真诚 最有心的愿望 The most earnest and heartfelt wish you've ever made.
很遗憾 菲丽丝 真的 I'm sorry, Phyllis. I really am.
我也希望我还能有别的办法 I wish there was something else I could do.
-那是你应得的 -没事 - You deserve it. - It's okay.
天呐 菲丽丝 那是利尔·亚蒂 Holy fuck, Phyllis. That's Lil Yachty.
我是来带你回家 跟你整晚做爱的 姑娘 Come take you home, make love to you all night, girl.
但是首先 我们先去银行 给你搞个一亿美元 But first, let's hit the bank and get you that $100 million.
好啊 Okay.
我也杀了一些这种混蛋啊 You know, I killed some of these motherfuckers.
下周见 See ya next week!
你 你想一起去喝杯咖啡吗 Would you... would you, um, maybe wanna get a cup of coffee?
不了 谢谢 No, thanks though.
不过 你可以直接去我的公寓啊 Instead, why don't you just come to my apartment?
我那里有绳子和大床 I have a leash and a king-sized bed.
老实说 大多数人家里都有大床 To be fair, most people have king-sized beds.
是加州大床 It's a California king.
我不知道有什么区别 I don't know the difference.
我带你去见识下 Let me show you.
天呐 Oh man.
恐怖节快乐